Dipping my toe in the dating pool

As some of you guys may know, it's only been a year since I started actively dating. I won't mention any names but I will share my experiences, what I've learned and why I'm sticking to a 4 date maximum. So it was about this time last year that I started seeing a guy I met on Tinder (White guy… that part matters). I figured he was smart enough, he had a stable career and seemed put together. At this point, 5 years of repairing the damage done by my ex and incredibly skittish of the thought of a relationship, I was somewhat reluctant to open up too much. He lived quite a ways away from me but I made the drive, simply because I didn't want him knowing where I lived. Fucking brilliant choice cuz homeboy was INSANE. I just thought that his preference was Black women. He had spent some time in Central Africa and had fallen for one of the women there. He loved talking about his time there and I loved hearing about it. It was nice to hear someone from a different background go nuts over African culture. But then came the obsessive fascination of my skin color. I can't really get into what all was said but trust me when I say it was the epitome of uncomfortable. We spoke about it and I let him know that even though it comes from a place of admiration, it makes me uncomfortable when he says things like that. It never crossed my mind that I was being fetishised! All I knew was, this was weird and I didn't like it. In the end, it was his temper that did us in. Now believe me, the whole seeing me as a fetish would've definitely had been a deal breaker but I had never been aware of such caucasity. But going back, he would get so frustrated at the smallest things and we'd argue. Now tell me, why would 2 people who aren't even dating exclusively, be arguing? Your guess is as good as mine, sis, he was a whole hot mess 🙄 He did apologize in an email but I never acknowledged it. It was never even all that serious so I just made a clean break and by clean break, I mean I blocked him on everything 😂😂😂🤷🏿‍♀️

So a few weeks after that, I started seeing this other guy (another White dude… this also comes into play). Now at this point, Psycho Steve (that's what we'll call the first guy) was still pretty fresh so I was like bruh, we finna take it molasses slow. But one thing I realized was this dude loved to TRY to manipulate me.

Story time: We were supposed to meet up for a playdate. His kid and my kids got along and we had plans to meet up at the playground. Well, my car freaked the fuck out on me, I had no clue what was going on. So I hit him up, Yo we won't be able to make it. Had some car trouble and I gotta figure out what's wrong with it. He asked where I was, I said home. He said alright, lemme know if you need anything. I'm like bet. So I hop in the shower, Google search what my car was doing and how I could fix it and I hear my oldest say, Hey _______ is here!

Bish wat

I look outside and there he is, under my hood, tools out and some more shit, tinkering on my damn car. He lived about a good 35 minutes away from me in a neighboring town. He only had my address from when he ordered me a pizza and had it sent to the house. Now I get that he was just trying to be sweet but nigga ASK ME before you start fuckin around on my shit!! But fuck it, he already here so… Turned out, I needed a new belt and a water pump. He said, imma get pizzas for the kids, and dipped out. Came back with pizzas, a belt and a water pump…

Bruh

So he put the pump on but we didn't have time for the belt so he hung onto it. Alright, cool. Shortly after that happened, he hit me up asking about where "this" was going. My guy. We having fun, why spoil it with labels and regulations? But like the Mambo dancer I am, I danced around the whole subject for months🤷🏿‍♀️ Now during all of this, he had been putting off getting that belt on until one day, out of the blue, he said come over so I can finish up your car. Cool. So I head on over, expecting to get my belt on and everything be cool. He gets my car jacked up, pulls out all the innards, grabs the belt and says, "So let's talk about us" CHIIIIIIIIILE if that ain't manipulative af, idk what is. So with the life of my car in his hands, I delicately explain to him I'm not ready for anything exclusive. So he put my belt on… pissed… and I left. (That whole car thing turned into a hot mess later on but that's another post) We kept seeing each other for a while after that but it was almost as if he resented me because of my decision. But closed mouths don't get fed so I kept it moving as I do because why not? I was open and honest and he kept coming back so we was cool. Fast forward to a week before Valentine's day.

Warning: Sexual Content Ahead

He called me, which was never really a thing unless it was important, and starts off with

"Hey so I need to ask you something and I don't want you to take it the wrong way"

Me: Ok, what's up?

Him: So I've noticed you don't shave…

Me: ...

Him: ... Downstairs

Me: 😂😂😂yeah so?😂😂😂 Does it bother you?

Him: Well, Valentine's day is coming up and I wanted it to be special. I don't care that you don't shave but I wanna give you something special and I'd really appreciate it if you did.

Me: I respect that you came to me and respectfully asked me to do that but I don't shave. I'm a grown ass woman not some child and grown ass women have hair. You know, you don't really have to, it's not that big of a deal to me.

Him: I know and I like that you keep it trimmed and do those cute designs and stuff cuz I know it's for me but I'm really not tryna get carpet burn

Pause… it wasn't for him, I just like doing designs 🤷🏿‍♀️

Me: Alright, you know what? Imma do it, simply because I respect how you came to me about it.

So Valentine's day comes around. I get super cute and we head out to a hibachi grill for dinner. I left my phone in the car, out of respect but this knee grow not only brought his but was on it the entire time. All I'm thinking is, this had better be some bomb ass head. It was super embarrassing because this older couple next to me saw that he was on his phone and I was being ignored so they started chatting with me. He was oblivious that me, Karen and John became besties that night🙄🙄🙄

So we get back to his place and I'm irritated but I just kept on thinking about what that mouth do and I'd chill out. So I'm laying on the bed, stuffed like a pig from dinner, and all of a sudden, I hear porn noises. Now we had never watched porn together so he had no clue what I liked and I had no clue what he liked but I would assume that since we have no problem with interracial, he'd put that on.

I👏🏿WAS👏🏿WRONG

This White boy put on two barely legal, skinny af, White lesbians…

Like bruh, I'm the exact opposite of all of that!! You literally could not have gone wrong with interracial. Not exactly what I'm into but he wouldn't have known cuz he NEVER ASKED. So at this point, I'm dry as a bone. But that's ok cuz he's going down, right? WRONG. He never did. He for real thought that after ignoring me all night long and then putting on one of the few videos that's sure to dry me up like the Sahara, that he was just gonna crawl on top and get to work… umm, excuse me, Sir, I need to be anywhere but here. After that night, I didn't hear from him for two months.

TWO MONTHS.

📣TWO MONTHS📣

He texted me "hey" and I flipped the fuck out on him. He would've been safe from it but really guy, how you just gonna call like nothing happened?! I was an open book, he couldn't read. Illiterate Joe

This next dude, I'm not even gonna hide his name. This cat did some real fucked up shit and imma put him on blast. 50% cuz he need to be and 50% cuz I've grown spiritually but still working on not being so messy… but not today😏

So this dude named SANTIAGO seemed cool af at first. Took me on proper dates, made the effort to get to know me, just real laid back. But these tiny red flags kept going off that may not seem like a big deal to most people but are deal breakers for me.

He used the word "irregardless"

He talked a lot about how much money he made

And he spoke quietly. Like almost a whisper. I don't trust people I can't hear. These are all major red flags to me but instead of listening to that voice that told me to leave his ass alone, I thought it'd be good to "work on not pushing people aside for silly reasons"🤦🏿 Each time I'd go to his house, he'd fall asleep. I, to this day, have no clue what that was about. I tried saying, oh I've got things to do tomorrow so I can't stay the night, but he would always have a solution so finally, I was like look dude, I sleep in my own bed. After that, I thought we was cool with it. It had been a few days since we'd seen each other when he called and asked if I could come over. I had just started a new job and got up extra early to get a jump on the day. I had a billion things to do that day and I was beyond exhausted but against my better judgement, I agreed. I told him I was tired and how worn out I was. In one ear, out the other. We get situated at his place and, I won't go into detail but, he was ready to do something extra. He was tryna fuck. I wasn't, nigga I'm TIIIIIIEEEEED! He's not getting ANY hints so I go into full on possum mode and closed my eyes like I was sleep.

Yeah I went there. You ain't getting this cookie. But the bed so comfy, I actually fell asleep 😂😂 So when I woke up for real, he was PISSED. I'm like, and? I told you I was tired but all you wanted was what you wanted and fuck how I feel. Nah playa, we don't do that. So I'm like alright cool, it's time to go, take me home. That's when he said he was gonna get me a Lyft… Dude… You said you was taking me home. But ok, I see how you wanna be. Lyft coming in 7 minutes, it's 11:20 pm, fuck it. So I'm outside, waiting on this rideshare, alone. 10 minutes goes by. Then 15. It's now 11:45. I saw where the thing said it'd be there in 7 minutes…

THIS NIGGA CANCELLED MY LYFT RIDE!!

Luckily, I was getting a payment at midnight that night but for real dude? My phone was dying and everything! Yeah FWACK SANTIAGO. HE A WHOLE BITCH OUT HERE IN THESE STREETS.

I'm grateful for all of these experiences because each and every one of them taught me a valuable lesson in dating; I'm not ready to do it. I'm just not. All of these dudes tried to cuff me and all of them got big mad when they realized I wasn't going. I'm just trying to have fun, I don't want nothing serious. I'm not tryna stay the night or talk about where "this" (whatever "this" is) is going or be your fucking fetish. And I damn sure ain't cooking you shit or giving you a massage or doing wifey shit when it ain't even that serious. I'm not tryna be serious. These dudes keep thinking that I'm just fishing because every girl wants to be locked down. Or that they can change my mind and that ain't NEVER gonna be the move. I've got my reasons for wanting to stay single but the only reason any needs is because you cannot cage the wind. I'm free, I belong to no one, I'm sovereign. Can't nobody change that! So I've got this rule: I don't date anyone for longer than 4 dates. 4 seems to be that magic number that makes these dudes lose their damn minds. Less than four, hey that's fine by me too. Who's really trying to put in that much effort?